Me Time

In the last few weeks I have been working on finding a balance in my life between school, other outside activities (Debate mostly), and time for myself to do the things I'm interested in. The piano that now sits at the end of my bed is one of the things that fit into the last category. Another thing is my new "Belle-mode" on campus where I read books while walking between classes (this one perks a surprising amount of interest in people who walk by--especially professors). Both of these have been great ways for me to achieve some balance in my life between all of the necessities in my schedule. But, I have found, yet, another outlet for my energy every Monday and Wednesday at 1 o'clock after institute: pool. There is a billiard table located in the Institute building, and right after my institute class, before I go to Debate at 2:30, the table is vacant. Well, not anymore.

I have officially established a reputation with the receptionist who loans out the supplies. She expects me now. It's wonderful. I have the whole room to myself. It's quiet; perfect for gauging the sound of my break with every new game I start. Even having only done it for three days I am starting to see drastic improvements. My aim is improving, my control is much better, and I put more balls in the side pockets than all the corner pockets combined. I have now made a new goal on my life's "to-do list:" have the ability to hustle a pool table. In the short amount of time I've spent practicing thus far, I have had to rely quite heavily on luck. I will admit that although I try to be patient with the game I play against myself, I often become irritate and just aim for the nearest ball to the cue ball and hit it with as much force as I can. Every time I have done this a ball has gone into a pocket somewhere, several times two balls will go in, and once three balls were put away with this "angry" hit. I need to stop being rewarded for these careless hits or I might never improve. But in the words of my father: "I'd rather be lucky than good any day." Amen. :)

Either way, I'm glad that I have another form of "Me Time."

~

P.S. About the Belle-mode: if you ever want people to pay attention to you, walk around in with your nose in a book. Everyone will immediately want to know what you're reading that is so fascinating that you can't stop to walk from place to place. You will instantly be popular. Your professors will also want to know what you're reading; possibly even to the point of distracting you so that you will become irritated by them stealing the book off your desk while you're not looking to read the back of the book so that they can judge you on your choice of literature outside of their classroom. But that's only a possibility. :)

~

"With a dreamy, far off look, and her nose stuck in a book; what a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle." -Beauty and the Beast

"Writers sometimes seem brightly colored and fascinating, but really those are just nature's way of warning you off. We're like tropical toads. Oh so pretty! Want to touch the toady! Except: poisonous skin that kills with one touch. Beware of writer." -Chuck Wendig

"If I fret over tomorrow, I have little joy today." -Llonio [Taran Wanderer by Lloyd Alexander]

~

Today's Featured Quote:

"Happily ever after? I don't think that's quite what you meant. But one way or another, I rather think I will." -Cimorene [Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede]

The Bells Tolled

There's an old saying from somewhere that says "Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it." To a certain extent, I agree with this phrase. You should not be flippant with your wishes. Wishing is not an activity where sarcasm is appreciated or welcomed. Only genuine wishing here, please. I have been, several times, the victim of wishing for something without really thinking about the consequences. When I was around nine, I thought that glasses were cool and I wished I could wear them. A few years later, my rash and unthought-through wish came true. Of course, with that example, it is conceivable that it would have happened anyway, seeing as both my parents wore glasses, and therefore carried that gene that had a good biological chance of being passed to me regardless of whether I wished for it when I was nine years old. But I'm sure that deep in the forgotten recesses of my mind there are other examples of this, and I'm sure that all of you reading this have already thought of examples in your own life. If you haven't, hurry and think of one now and pretend you were being an analytical and active reader. I promise I won't tell anyone.

Sufficed to say that you should not be impulsive when wishing. But, it is actually the contrary side of the above mentioned saying that I want to talk about. (I led off with the opposing argument to give contrast to the point I am trying to make and also so that I can use it as a point of reference for building up my point of view--and to think that I keep asking myself why I coach Debate)

You see, there is this weird, backwards thinking in our society. We will recklessly drop negative comments like, "I wish she would get the plague so that she would stop afflicting me with her over-bubbly, noxious personality." And when the above mentioned "she" gets in a car accident and nearly dies two weeks later we immediately think that we somehow jinxed her life and we suddenly feel guilty for having wished evil upon her in the first place. In juxtaposition, when a bright and glorious fluorescent dream stands in front of us, we hesitate and refuse to reach for it because "it'll never come true anyway." On a smaller scale, we sometimes won't ask a question because we're sure the answer will be no.

Here is further illustration of my point through a story: I was in Scranton, Pennsylvania for some unknown reason and was walking around enjoying myself when I ran into a very old church building. You know the type: the ones that look like a cheap knock-off of Notre Dame with a small 10-bell bell tower and only five stained glass windows in the front. But, I had this deep fascination with the building and went inside, wondering if I could get at tour. The custodian walked me around and showed me the main attractions and at the conclusion of the tour asked if I had any questions. I thought I would take a chance on an odd request. I asked if I could see the bell tower. Five minutes later I was walking up a set of stairs that looked as though they were right out of the end of the first National Treasure movie: nothing but termite damage and rot holding them up. We stopped at a door that lead to the space above the ceiling of the chapel. I stood on a five inch thick bearing wall support beam where if I had fallen to either side the flimsy ceiling underneath would have collapsed and I would have fallen sixty feet to my death or serious impalement. After this we climbed up yet more flights of stairs (these ones burned from a fire years ago) to the small trap door that led to the bell tower. It was amazing. I bet Quasimodo himself was the only person who had a better view then what I had. I got to carve my name in the wood and we got to be in the tower while the bells tolled. It is one of the coolest memories I have; and all because I asked.

I was careful what I wished for, and I got it. I know it's been said over and over again until our ears are sore that we don't ever wish for the things we really want because we're afraid that we won't get them. Well, here's an idea: If we wish for something and it does come true, great, but if we wish for something and it doesn't come true, are we any worse off then we were if we hadn't wished for it? Many people would answer: Yes, because I would have failed. My rebuttal: Who cares? Failure will never be the antagonist in your story, it will only be a conflict. These conflicts can beat against us and tear us down, and no matter how may times we beat it, it still comes back. In the immortal words of Benjamin Franklin: "Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and it will every now and then peep out and show itself." (never mind he was really talking about pride) But, we are the ones who get to chose whether or not the conflict, whether or not failure wins the battle and gets the girl (or guy as the case may be). WE are the ones who get to decide.

Dream realistic, but dream big. Believe me, you can do both. And don't be afraid to just ask; you might be pleasantly surprised.

~

"Never hold back you step for a moment. Never doubt that your courage will grow. Hold your head even higher, and into the fire we go!" -The Scarlet Pimpernel

"If you think you can't, you're right. If you think you can, you're also right." -Unknown

"When facing a difficult task, act as though it is impossible to fail. If you're going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce." -H. Jackson Brown

~

Today's Featured Quote:

"Expect the best. Prepare for the worse. Capitalize on what comes." -Unknown

En France...

Le francais est etonnate! Well, at least in my opinion. I had a rather interesting delusion the other day. I pictured myself with a young child (my own) and I was speaking to them in French. Their father (faceless at this point) then spoke to them in English. Then it occurred to me how awesome it would be to have bilingual children! It didn't matter that I'm currently learning Spanish and not French. French it was and rightly so. As useful and practical as Spanish is, French has a little more sophistication. I still want to follow through and learn Spanish, but I would then like to learn French. I don't know where I'd have a use for either of these languages, but there is something very appealing about the idea of be trilingual.

But beyond the language, I find France as a country to be quite fascinating. Over the past couple of weeks for absolutely no reason whatsoever* I have fallen in love with France. Some of my favorite movies/plays/books of all time take place (at least in part) in France: The Three Musketeers, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Les Miserables, The Count of Monte Cristo, Beauty and the Beast, Chocolate, etc.

I also have an unexplainable new interest with French history. This might be due to the several books I've read recently that take place in France between 1600-1800. But regardless, I am very intrigued by the country. They aided America during the Revolution not 20 years before their own. I don't know why these things fascinate me so much, but they do. I feel a sudden urge to go to Paris like in Sabrina and do some sort of internship and learn to speak French. ("You speak no French yes?" "No." "No?" "Yes. Could you repeat the question?")

Eventually. :)

Au revoir!

*I lied. There were reasons. :)

Oh! And Happy Binary Day! (101110)

~

"If you keep waiting for tomorrow, you'll find yourself with a whole lot of empty yesterdays."

"The French don't care what they do as long as they pronounce it properly." --My Fair Lady

"Woman was created for our destruction, and from her all our miseries arise." --Alexandre Dumas (The three Musketeers)

~

Today's Featured Quote:

"Fools aren't born. Pretty girls make them in their spare time." --101 Dalmations

Happiness

It has been so long since my last post that I was beginning to wonder why I had a blog. I felt like I had to write something, and based on some feedback I have been getting lately, I thought it would be appropriate to write something happy and uplifting instead of... what I usually write. So, here it goes:

~

I have been so happy since last Friday. On that day I drove up north to Logan to spend the weekend. I saw my favorite play twice (The Scarlet Pimpernel), spent some time with my sister (not arguing), got to see one of my best friends, found my box of piano music, and got a piano as a gift from my parents. All in all the weekend was amazing and the residual effects of this happiness are still with me seven days later.

It is infrequent that I obsess over things, but when I do, I am well aware that I can get annoying. I apologize. But before everyone starts telling me to shut up about The Scarlet Pimpernel, I want you to consider that I am happy. There are so few things in my life that give me explicit happiness and when they do come, I want to hold on to them for as long as I possibly can. I know that seeing the show twice, listening to the soundtrack, playing the music on the piano, watching the movie, and reading the book in five days time is a little excessive. But I regret nothing. I am happy.

The other major source of happiness right now is the piano. I have lived without a piano at my disposal for over two years now. Until then, I've always had the piano as a physical and metal outlet. Not having one has been hard. I know that some people don't have as tight of a connection to music, but it really is a wonderful thing for me. These past few days have been so wonderful because I can just go into my room and play. I love my parents' piano. It was the piano I learned to play on, so it has a great amount of sentimental value to me, and I just love to play so much. I've been playing probably more than I should the last few days, but, as I said before: I regret nothing. I am happy.

Over the last seven days I've realized that I take great happiness in taking time for myself. Perhaps this is why I have been so miserable lately. I have been doing nothing but going to school, going to Debate, and doing homework for well over a month now. (That and I've had an obnoxious cough for the same amount of time). But I think it's time I start taking some quality time for myself. Not just any time like for watching TV or sleeping; but quality time. Time spent doing something different than normal: going to see a play, renting a good movie, going out to dinner, etc. I know it sounds selfish, but I just think I need to set some time aside for me.

I've been so happy the last few days and I want to find a way for it to last. Anyway, I'm sure this post is really weird and random, and seemingly out of character for the normal, cynical Amy. But, I thought I would give myself and the few people who will read this a break. :)

~

"Never regret anything that at one time made you smile."

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

"The words tell you what to think, the music tells you what to feel."

~

Today's Featured Quote brought to you by Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton:

"La, but someone has to strike a pose and bear the weight of well tailored clothes. Each species needs a sex that's fated to be highly decorated. That is why the Lord created men!"

The few, the proud...

Ladies and Jellyspoons,

I would like to announce that I have officially been accepted into an elite group of people. Having proven my abilities and my standards of behavior and conduct I have shown my quality and I now take my rightful place beside those with whom I stand. After a lengthy process of application and interviewing, follow up interviews and practical training/skills testing, I have been offered--and have accepted--a place besides those like me. I look forward to this opportunity with mixed feelings. The task will not be easy. It will require a level head, an ability to make snap decisions, and may even result in loosing the respect and good opinions of those I would call my friends. But I will take it with a grain of salt and strive through the hard times with quiet dignity and grace. Proudly, I announce my decision to join forces with The Whistle-blowers.

~

My dad often feels like he's the "bad guy". He's the guy who won't put up with the crap and calls people on the cards. He doesn't put up with people breaking the rules and he doesn't tolerate when people bend them either. He doesn't expect too much of anyone. Common courtesy and a shred of human decency is not too much to expect of anyone, regardless of job status, ethnicity, religion, culture, age, or anything else. My dad is a Whistle-blower. And, by some cruel trick of fate, I have also grown up to be a Whistle-blower.

It's a difficult thing: trying to decide whether or not something is wrong enough to call someone out on. It's hard to decide whether or not asking someone to treat you as another human being instead of treating you based on a bias of any kind is worth the fight. Is it worth the trouble? Am I simply behind the times; living by a code of ethics long since forgotten in the dust and sweat and blood of our ancestors? I try not to hold grudges and I like to think that I am always willing to give people a chance to change (after all, I do it for myself often enough). But where do you draw the line between what is tolerable--something petty to turn the other cheek over--and what is inexcusable--the disregard for the life and feelings of another human being? This is the challenge of the Whistle-blowers: asking ourselves in every circumstance whether something is right, and whether it's worth fighting for. We are not "above" anyone else as far as principles, morals, ethics, or character. We just have loud mouths about it.

After today I have realized that my position as a Whistle-blower is going to cost me. And I hate it. I know hate is a strong word, but I am not using it lightly. I hate having to choose between my personal code of ethics or morals, and the friendship or respect of someone else. And, in cases like these, more than anything, I hate causing pain to anyone. I hate burning bridges (though I do like fire) and I hate the contradiction between the pain that I have felt over an incident and the pain I feel after trying to fix it. There is no way to win.

However, my dad has figured out something that I, as a girl and as a youth, have yet to learn. He has learned the power of prevention. Not putting up with crap in the first place is much easier on both levels then trying to fix it once it does happen. I am very emotional and often have a hard time controlling my feelings. Because of this I end up being the victim quite frequently and try to find solace in my efforts to right what has already been wronged. There is a poem called "A Fence or an Ambulance" that's main point captures this idea: "Then an old sage remarked, 'It's a marvel to me, that people give far more attention, to repairing results than to stopping the cause, when they'd much better aim at prevention.'" For those few who may have wondered, this is the reason for my previous entry regarding humor. I have accepted my place as a Whistle-blower, but I do so no longer as a victim. I intend now to defend myself with humor (as I have been doing for years in other matters) and I also intend to defend myself with a spirit of compassion, understanding, and empathy. I do not think I, or anyone is better than any other person. I just think that all of us can be better than we are. I'm starting today.

~

"Always do what is right. Because regardless of what happens in life--good or bad--you will know it was the right thing."

"The spirit yields two fruits: the first is to know what to do, the second is the strength to do it."

"He can who thinks he can."

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."-Henry Ward Beecher

~

Today's Featured Quote:

"Wag more. Bark less." :-)

Humor and Comparisons

Two weeks ago I was excited to go back to school. Last week I had some complications and was suddenly worried that school this next semester wouldn't be everything I was hoping. The next day I had a bad experience with another human being that sent me over the edge wishing that I was going back to the stress of school at that moment. You know: when does my plane leave? kind of thing. I'm amazed by the perspective a little comparison creates.

After this bad experience I went to speak with my mom about it and told her I was concerned. I explained that everything I've done for the past few years (with the exception of going to college in general) has had a promise to be better, and almost always turned out to be an experience not worth repeating. Even the idea that 'well, this semester was hard, but I'm sure the next one will be better' has only been true once. My mother's response? "You've just had some bad luck."

... Bad luck for three years? Thanks mom. Now I'm not worried. I wonder if I broke a mirror that I've forgotten about...

Actually I am still quite excited about next semester. I have a new apartment that will give me more than three times the space that I had last year. I have new ideas for cheap/good eating too. The one thing that sincerely worries me is finding a car (specifically one that won't cause problems), but other than that I have good classes that I'm excited for, generally, Debate will be going on again, which I always look forward to, I'll have a job (as far as I know), and my current schedule will grant me all of my evenings free after 4pm. Can everyone see how good this sounds? I'm still worried.

But, I've decided to make a personality change. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. I am going to solve everything with humor. No more moping about when things go wrong, no more letting other people walk all over me and effect my mood. I will still distinguish between the appropriate times to be, and not to be funny, but I have decided to stop over reacting about everything; I will simply laugh it off. That is my resolution for today.

~

Oh, and I taught Beehives yesterday at church and after class I heard one of the girls telling her mom what an awesome lesson I gave because I was so hysterical. I'll take what I can get. I may not be the most "spiritual" teacher, but I can sure make em laugh. :)

~

"If you can't be chic be odd." -The Grass is Greener

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"You are who you choose to be." -The Iron Giant

"Change will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pains of changing." -magnet on my friend's fridge

~

Today's Featured Quote:

"When setting about a difficult task, act as though it is impossible to fail. If you're going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce." -some famous football coach

Now

Two movies to start:

Addams Family: there is a meal scene where Wednesday asks, "Will you pass the salt." Her mother responds with, "What do we say Wednesday?" She finishes, "Now."

National Treasure: after the Declaration of Independence is stolen the FBI shows up and one agent mentions that someone gave them a tip that the Declaration was going to be stolen. The head man in charge asks for further information but the other agent explains that, "there was no file opened, we didn't find the information credible." The head man then asks, "How about now?"

So, what do these two movies have in common?

Answer: Absolutely nothing. But these two scenes, do have something in common. One word. Now.

My dad once told me that he thought new years resolutions were silly because you should be able to change any part of your life at any time. You shouldn't have to wait for a special occasion or a specific/designated time during the year to make a change. You should be able to make changes NOW. And, that sounds wonderful. But like just about everything in life, it's easier said than done; especially for me.

My life (especially while at college) is broken up into three segments: two semesters and a summer. And, generally speaking, each of these segments have a particular flow to them based on the schedule they include and various other points details. I agree that changes can be made at any point, but they are easier to make at a breaking point. Last semester is a perfect example. I was stressed out beyond belief for a good part of the semester because I over-booked myself with classes, an additional phlebotomy class, coaching Debate, giving tours of the state and surrounding areas to visiting foreigners, internships at the hospital, and having surgery. But even after all that calmed down to a point where there was very little happening, I found it very hard to change the pace until all my finals were turned in and I was leaving for the summer. Then, things changed dramatically...

And, once again, I find myself in a rut. I confess (and understand I make many already jealous friends angry at me by doing so) that I am not enjoying my summer in Hawaii as much as I would like. I'm struggling with some people I have to work with at my job, I'm struggling with the idea of living with my parents again for more than a couple weeks, I'm struggling with my frugality, I'm struggling with exercise/good eating, and on top of all of that I have a hematoma in my arm that hurts really bad when I extend my elbow. So, life is basically good. ;)

I know I have very little to complain about, but that doesn't explain why I always feel as though I'm making zero progress in my life. My happiness isn't always where I am, but where the path I'm on is leading me. I always have big plans...for later. I never feel as though I'm in a position to start doing what I want to do. And, for the time being, I'm almost certain that's because I'm not in charge of my life as much as I was three months ago.

I'm looking forward to school starting again. So many things that are already set up for next semester seem to have me headed in the right direction. But it keeps me waiting. I keep feeling as though I can't live NOW.

I want to live NOW. I want to live my life, my way, NOW. And I know what everybody would say to me, "So why don't you?" And I'll tell you. I don't know.

~

"If you keep waiting for tomorrow, you'll find yourself with a whole lot of empty yesterdays."

"The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results."

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

~

Today's Featured Quote:

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." --Gandalf