Happiness

It has been so long since my last post that I was beginning to wonder why I had a blog. I felt like I had to write something, and based on some feedback I have been getting lately, I thought it would be appropriate to write something happy and uplifting instead of... what I usually write. So, here it goes:

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I have been so happy since last Friday. On that day I drove up north to Logan to spend the weekend. I saw my favorite play twice (The Scarlet Pimpernel), spent some time with my sister (not arguing), got to see one of my best friends, found my box of piano music, and got a piano as a gift from my parents. All in all the weekend was amazing and the residual effects of this happiness are still with me seven days later.

It is infrequent that I obsess over things, but when I do, I am well aware that I can get annoying. I apologize. But before everyone starts telling me to shut up about The Scarlet Pimpernel, I want you to consider that I am happy. There are so few things in my life that give me explicit happiness and when they do come, I want to hold on to them for as long as I possibly can. I know that seeing the show twice, listening to the soundtrack, playing the music on the piano, watching the movie, and reading the book in five days time is a little excessive. But I regret nothing. I am happy.

The other major source of happiness right now is the piano. I have lived without a piano at my disposal for over two years now. Until then, I've always had the piano as a physical and metal outlet. Not having one has been hard. I know that some people don't have as tight of a connection to music, but it really is a wonderful thing for me. These past few days have been so wonderful because I can just go into my room and play. I love my parents' piano. It was the piano I learned to play on, so it has a great amount of sentimental value to me, and I just love to play so much. I've been playing probably more than I should the last few days, but, as I said before: I regret nothing. I am happy.

Over the last seven days I've realized that I take great happiness in taking time for myself. Perhaps this is why I have been so miserable lately. I have been doing nothing but going to school, going to Debate, and doing homework for well over a month now. (That and I've had an obnoxious cough for the same amount of time). But I think it's time I start taking some quality time for myself. Not just any time like for watching TV or sleeping; but quality time. Time spent doing something different than normal: going to see a play, renting a good movie, going out to dinner, etc. I know it sounds selfish, but I just think I need to set some time aside for me.

I've been so happy the last few days and I want to find a way for it to last. Anyway, I'm sure this post is really weird and random, and seemingly out of character for the normal, cynical Amy. But, I thought I would give myself and the few people who will read this a break. :)

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"Never regret anything that at one time made you smile."

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

"The words tell you what to think, the music tells you what to feel."

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Today's Featured Quote brought to you by Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton:

"La, but someone has to strike a pose and bear the weight of well tailored clothes. Each species needs a sex that's fated to be highly decorated. That is why the Lord created men!"

The few, the proud...

Ladies and Jellyspoons,

I would like to announce that I have officially been accepted into an elite group of people. Having proven my abilities and my standards of behavior and conduct I have shown my quality and I now take my rightful place beside those with whom I stand. After a lengthy process of application and interviewing, follow up interviews and practical training/skills testing, I have been offered--and have accepted--a place besides those like me. I look forward to this opportunity with mixed feelings. The task will not be easy. It will require a level head, an ability to make snap decisions, and may even result in loosing the respect and good opinions of those I would call my friends. But I will take it with a grain of salt and strive through the hard times with quiet dignity and grace. Proudly, I announce my decision to join forces with The Whistle-blowers.

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My dad often feels like he's the "bad guy". He's the guy who won't put up with the crap and calls people on the cards. He doesn't put up with people breaking the rules and he doesn't tolerate when people bend them either. He doesn't expect too much of anyone. Common courtesy and a shred of human decency is not too much to expect of anyone, regardless of job status, ethnicity, religion, culture, age, or anything else. My dad is a Whistle-blower. And, by some cruel trick of fate, I have also grown up to be a Whistle-blower.

It's a difficult thing: trying to decide whether or not something is wrong enough to call someone out on. It's hard to decide whether or not asking someone to treat you as another human being instead of treating you based on a bias of any kind is worth the fight. Is it worth the trouble? Am I simply behind the times; living by a code of ethics long since forgotten in the dust and sweat and blood of our ancestors? I try not to hold grudges and I like to think that I am always willing to give people a chance to change (after all, I do it for myself often enough). But where do you draw the line between what is tolerable--something petty to turn the other cheek over--and what is inexcusable--the disregard for the life and feelings of another human being? This is the challenge of the Whistle-blowers: asking ourselves in every circumstance whether something is right, and whether it's worth fighting for. We are not "above" anyone else as far as principles, morals, ethics, or character. We just have loud mouths about it.

After today I have realized that my position as a Whistle-blower is going to cost me. And I hate it. I know hate is a strong word, but I am not using it lightly. I hate having to choose between my personal code of ethics or morals, and the friendship or respect of someone else. And, in cases like these, more than anything, I hate causing pain to anyone. I hate burning bridges (though I do like fire) and I hate the contradiction between the pain that I have felt over an incident and the pain I feel after trying to fix it. There is no way to win.

However, my dad has figured out something that I, as a girl and as a youth, have yet to learn. He has learned the power of prevention. Not putting up with crap in the first place is much easier on both levels then trying to fix it once it does happen. I am very emotional and often have a hard time controlling my feelings. Because of this I end up being the victim quite frequently and try to find solace in my efforts to right what has already been wronged. There is a poem called "A Fence or an Ambulance" that's main point captures this idea: "Then an old sage remarked, 'It's a marvel to me, that people give far more attention, to repairing results than to stopping the cause, when they'd much better aim at prevention.'" For those few who may have wondered, this is the reason for my previous entry regarding humor. I have accepted my place as a Whistle-blower, but I do so no longer as a victim. I intend now to defend myself with humor (as I have been doing for years in other matters) and I also intend to defend myself with a spirit of compassion, understanding, and empathy. I do not think I, or anyone is better than any other person. I just think that all of us can be better than we are. I'm starting today.

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"Always do what is right. Because regardless of what happens in life--good or bad--you will know it was the right thing."

"The spirit yields two fruits: the first is to know what to do, the second is the strength to do it."

"He can who thinks he can."

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."-Henry Ward Beecher

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Today's Featured Quote:

"Wag more. Bark less." :-)

Humor and Comparisons

Two weeks ago I was excited to go back to school. Last week I had some complications and was suddenly worried that school this next semester wouldn't be everything I was hoping. The next day I had a bad experience with another human being that sent me over the edge wishing that I was going back to the stress of school at that moment. You know: when does my plane leave? kind of thing. I'm amazed by the perspective a little comparison creates.

After this bad experience I went to speak with my mom about it and told her I was concerned. I explained that everything I've done for the past few years (with the exception of going to college in general) has had a promise to be better, and almost always turned out to be an experience not worth repeating. Even the idea that 'well, this semester was hard, but I'm sure the next one will be better' has only been true once. My mother's response? "You've just had some bad luck."

... Bad luck for three years? Thanks mom. Now I'm not worried. I wonder if I broke a mirror that I've forgotten about...

Actually I am still quite excited about next semester. I have a new apartment that will give me more than three times the space that I had last year. I have new ideas for cheap/good eating too. The one thing that sincerely worries me is finding a car (specifically one that won't cause problems), but other than that I have good classes that I'm excited for, generally, Debate will be going on again, which I always look forward to, I'll have a job (as far as I know), and my current schedule will grant me all of my evenings free after 4pm. Can everyone see how good this sounds? I'm still worried.

But, I've decided to make a personality change. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. I am going to solve everything with humor. No more moping about when things go wrong, no more letting other people walk all over me and effect my mood. I will still distinguish between the appropriate times to be, and not to be funny, but I have decided to stop over reacting about everything; I will simply laugh it off. That is my resolution for today.

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Oh, and I taught Beehives yesterday at church and after class I heard one of the girls telling her mom what an awesome lesson I gave because I was so hysterical. I'll take what I can get. I may not be the most "spiritual" teacher, but I can sure make em laugh. :)

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"If you can't be chic be odd." -The Grass is Greener

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"You are who you choose to be." -The Iron Giant

"Change will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pains of changing." -magnet on my friend's fridge

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Today's Featured Quote:

"When setting about a difficult task, act as though it is impossible to fail. If you're going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce." -some famous football coach

Now

Two movies to start:

Addams Family: there is a meal scene where Wednesday asks, "Will you pass the salt." Her mother responds with, "What do we say Wednesday?" She finishes, "Now."

National Treasure: after the Declaration of Independence is stolen the FBI shows up and one agent mentions that someone gave them a tip that the Declaration was going to be stolen. The head man in charge asks for further information but the other agent explains that, "there was no file opened, we didn't find the information credible." The head man then asks, "How about now?"

So, what do these two movies have in common?

Answer: Absolutely nothing. But these two scenes, do have something in common. One word. Now.

My dad once told me that he thought new years resolutions were silly because you should be able to change any part of your life at any time. You shouldn't have to wait for a special occasion or a specific/designated time during the year to make a change. You should be able to make changes NOW. And, that sounds wonderful. But like just about everything in life, it's easier said than done; especially for me.

My life (especially while at college) is broken up into three segments: two semesters and a summer. And, generally speaking, each of these segments have a particular flow to them based on the schedule they include and various other points details. I agree that changes can be made at any point, but they are easier to make at a breaking point. Last semester is a perfect example. I was stressed out beyond belief for a good part of the semester because I over-booked myself with classes, an additional phlebotomy class, coaching Debate, giving tours of the state and surrounding areas to visiting foreigners, internships at the hospital, and having surgery. But even after all that calmed down to a point where there was very little happening, I found it very hard to change the pace until all my finals were turned in and I was leaving for the summer. Then, things changed dramatically...

And, once again, I find myself in a rut. I confess (and understand I make many already jealous friends angry at me by doing so) that I am not enjoying my summer in Hawaii as much as I would like. I'm struggling with some people I have to work with at my job, I'm struggling with the idea of living with my parents again for more than a couple weeks, I'm struggling with my frugality, I'm struggling with exercise/good eating, and on top of all of that I have a hematoma in my arm that hurts really bad when I extend my elbow. So, life is basically good. ;)

I know I have very little to complain about, but that doesn't explain why I always feel as though I'm making zero progress in my life. My happiness isn't always where I am, but where the path I'm on is leading me. I always have big plans...for later. I never feel as though I'm in a position to start doing what I want to do. And, for the time being, I'm almost certain that's because I'm not in charge of my life as much as I was three months ago.

I'm looking forward to school starting again. So many things that are already set up for next semester seem to have me headed in the right direction. But it keeps me waiting. I keep feeling as though I can't live NOW.

I want to live NOW. I want to live my life, my way, NOW. And I know what everybody would say to me, "So why don't you?" And I'll tell you. I don't know.

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"If you keep waiting for tomorrow, you'll find yourself with a whole lot of empty yesterdays."

"The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect different results."

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

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Today's Featured Quote:

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." --Gandalf

Rambling

There's always something, isn't there? Life is good...except for_________ (fill in the blank). I take a lot of breath saying: I'll be fine when__________ (fill in the blank). And I usually am. For a day or so. And then, well, then something comes up. It's usually a small thing; something trivial that won't matter in the long run, or something I have no control over, or two or three minutes worth of difference. I know, I know: I need to stop complaining.

My most recent status on facebook was: I'm In-de-pen-dent. Or, if it wouldn't have screwed up the movie line: I WANT to be In-de-pen-dent. I want my family to be there for me and be supportive of my decisions. I want friends who talk to me and care about me. And, eventually, I want a husband who is the perfect man for me. But for right now (given as I have no prospects) there are times when I just want to be left alone. I need my space. I need my own time and my own life; my own choices. Basically, I'm unreasonable and unrealistic. Either that or I'm moody. Or I'm upset because I lost my iPod. Yeah. Any of those are good options.

*sigh* Sometimes I wish I wasn't so messed up...

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Today's Featured Quote:

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!" --BoM

Vampires and Choices

Well, another leg of my summer has started. I got a job last week as a Lab Assistant (Phlebotomist) at the North Hawaii Community Hospital. And, since phlebotomists are known blood suckers, they are deemed "vampires". I'm going to go out and buy some Dracula scrubs. :)

I also started a tutoring job with a high school junior. She wants to improve her academic writing abilities over the summer so I'm tutoring her through the month of June. We've had two lessons so far. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to teach academic writing and not creative writing. I feel that creative writing is a great way to find out your particular writing style and that in turn can help you in academic writing because it gives you your own voice. I, as a Debate coach, also feel that some of the basic fundamentals of speech writing are extremely helpful in writing essays and such and HOLY CRAP THERE'S A COCKROACH IN MY BED!!!

-(seven minutes later)-

Ahem. Excuse me, was having a small nervous breakdown. I'm back now.

I'm learning quite a bit about teaching as I'm trying to help this girl and this tutoring experience will also help me get some experience and ideas for the creative writing class I'll be teaching in July and August. So, basically in about a two day period I went from having no job and doing almost nothing to having two jobs (with a third later in the summer) and hardly any free time. I would like to find a happy medium between these two extremes, but upon reviewing my previous entry about that, I don't think it's likely...

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I have decided that I am a free spirit. I do not like being tied down anywhere, by anything. It's been almost two years since I've had a job and it's hard to know that I am now completely bound by the hours set for me. Even with school I could choose not to go to class on any given day. Granted, I don't skip class a lot, but it's the idea of having the option. I don't like not having the choice. I'll give you an example: In my Educational Technology class last semester, my teacher always took over our computer monitors so they all projected the power point. Now, she didn't do this so we all could see better, she did it so we would pay attention. First of all, in my opinion, any teacher who has to force attention by taking over your monitor or grading you on attendance is obviously making up for a lack of anything valuable. Second, and more pertaining to me, it's a violation of my personal freedom. Yes, I know it sounds like a silly and dramatic thing to say but it is. It is taking away my right to choose whether or not I will pay attention in class. Given the choice, I would probably pay attention more than if the choice was taken from me. I am more inclined to go out of my way not to pay attention if you don't let me choose. Whoa, this is sounding a lot like the two plans of Satan and Jesus. Go figure. So, this is one of the reasons I am a little apprehensive about the job thing. My supervisor basically said that I don't have any sick days and if I can't come in, even for emergency purposes, I'll be on thin ice. Basically. And this is the same way for me: I wouldn't purposefully not come in to work, or lie about being able to come in to work, and I'm not anticipating any emergencies. I just hate people telling me that I can't. Apparently I'm more of a rebel than I thought. If you tell me I shouldn't, then I probably won't. If you tell me I can't, then I will want to so bad that I just might.

Aren't I a messed up child? :)

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"If I had two faces, do you really think I'd wear this one?" -Abraham Lincoln

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." -Gandalf

"Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach." -Tom Robbins

"For want of a nail the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse, the rider was lost. For want of a rider the battle was lost. For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost. And all for the want of a horseshoe nail." -Proverbial Rhyme

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Today's Featured Quote:

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." -Winston Churchill

Sympathy and Choices

First, I must confess: Yes, I did change my blog. I did this for a few reasons. The primary reason being that I was ready for a change. In the same way I like to rearrange the furniture every few months, I thought it was time for blog rearrangement. I changed the name because I figured out how and that was cool, and also because my dad didn't get it. I have replaced it, but for those of you who may not have understood it either: quintessential is like saying the "epitome of" and miscellany is, of course, dealing with miscellaneous. Therefore, the title is like saying the Epitome of Miscellaneous. Unfortunately that doesn't sound nearly as good as Quintessential Miscellany, but it's okay. I have changed it now and I am perfectly happy with its new name. Undoubtably I will change it again in a few months. :)

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Now, a story:

I was sitting at the kitchen window eating breakfast and I saw a bird eating something in the grass just outside. So, being my childish, obnoxious self I tapped on the window to get the bird's attention. It looked around for the source of the noise and upon finding nothing, returned to eating. Some 5-year-old subconscious being inside of me must have thought this was great fun, because I wanted to do it again. So, once more I tapped on the window, expecting the bird to do the exact same thing. After it heard the noise again it looked up and glanced around the yard. I expected that upon not seeing anything for a second time, the bird would simply continue its meal. But it didn't. I looked around, turned it head, looked up, looked down, looked around again, but it didn't continue eating. It was scared. I could tell. Finally the bird stood up looked around very purposefully and flew away. Suddenly I felt bad. I was only having a bit of childish good fun. But I hadn't meant to actually scare the bird. I hadn't realized that my small, stupid actions would have such an effect on the tiny creature. So, that is my story for today. Just one more example of how obnoxious I can be. However, I think the fact that I felt bad afterwards makes me human and forgivable of the offense. :)

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Almost everything in our world is a matter of perception. Whether life is horrible or wonderful is based a lot on matters of opinion and point of view. Your brain is a super computer and it will believe what you tell it. I read a book--well part of a book--for my psychology class in high school. It was called What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by some really hard to remember and hard to pronounce doctor. Anyway, the book talked about people who could talk themselves out of bad habits. People who smoked, every time they went to grab a cigarette told them selves that they don't smoke, even though they knew they did. This doctor explained that even if they lit up a cigarette and started smoking, they kept saying that they didn't smoke. Eventually they would all reach for a cigarette, look at it and say, "What I am doing? I don't smoke." It was an amazing phenomenon. It is often said that if you think you can, you can and if you think you can't, you can't. People who go around saying they're clumsy are probably clumsy for the simple reason that they think they are. It sounds really basic and really cliche, but it's really true. Everything that happens in our lives leaves a mark. But we get to decide how big the mark is and how much of a part it is going to play in the big picture. Things that happen to you in life should never be used as excuses, or crutches. Recognizing that something in your life is effecting you negatively can be good, only if you then make an effort to stop it. Everybody has bad things in their lives, some worse than others. But your future has nothing to do with your past or the circumstances you live in during the present. The only thing keeping you from anything is your choice. Abraham Lincoln said that "people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Happiness is a choice. Success and potential are choices. What will you choose?

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"What a job it is to see someone of good cheer, who when others because of an unpleasant happening or development live in angry silence or vocal disgust, meets the situation with cheerful endurance and good spirits." --Marvin J. Ashton

"In this galaxy, there is a mathematical probability of 3 million earth-type planets. And in all the universe, 3 million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of each of us." --Dr. McCoy

"Expect the best, prepare for the worst, capitalize on what comes."

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in te universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." --Calvin

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Today's Featured Quote:

"A long life may not be good enough; but a good life is long enough."